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The usual tensions
Plus: The enjoyment-ability matrix
Geoff Girvitz
April 03, 2025
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Today on Dad Strength
The usual tensions
We have some predictable reactions, us humans. Stress creates tension. Or rigidity. We see this anywhere from tight muscles to inflexible thinking. If you take a breath and check in with your body, you’ll find the usual suspects.
Your upper traps, quadratus lumborum, and iliacus.
Listen to them but don’t always believe what they tell you.
I think of stress as a contracting force—something that brings us toward fetal position. So, the counter-strategy is to expand, reach, extend.
You can find exercises that do this. Jumping, reaching, and hanging. One of my favourites, swinging Indian clubs, as depicted below. There are many ways to get the job done. You just need to find an option that works for you.
All that being said, one of the most effective skills you can learn is to simply notice when you’re holding more tension than is necessary. Martial artists know this well—but you can apply this idea to any physical task because there’s a sweet spot—and you’re more likely to over-do it than under-do it. So, take a breath, feel your way around that body of yours, and see what you can let go of.
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Who’s responsible for this anger?
On our last call, we talked bosses and coworkers who tried to delegate out their emotional volatility. I thought of a few scenarios where I’ve seen guys on the edge of exploding… Where their anger is the threat and someone else has been given the responsibility of defusing—or otherwise managing it.
It’s a tough place to be… to try to outsource emotional regulation because you won’t or can’t take responsibility for it.
It’s also tough to be the person handed that task. It’s like someone trying to hand you a turd. There are reasonable ways to help them—but taking that turd isn’t one of them. Whether strongly or gently, you’ve got to help them grapple with what they’re holding while keeping your own hands clean.
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The enjoyment-ability matrix
When my son was quite young, I wondered if he might reveal himself to be a prodigy. Every time he touched a piano or picked up a ball, I’d wait with baited breath. Will this be it!? It turns out, he’s a kid—like most other kids. So, it was far more important that he found things that he enjoyed spending time on.
That’s my official advice now… At least for parents of kids between four and six. Just try a bunch of things out and see what your kid likes doing. As a matter of fact, they don’t even have to participate in the class; they can just be there. That can be counter-intuitive. I’ve noticed that it’s a stress point for many parents… “You HAVE to participate, Sonny Jim!”But I don’t think that Sonny Jim does. If your kid enjoys being in the environment, they’ll come around and begin to take part. It won’t even take very long. Just take a breath and note the absolute absence of sports agents watching. Everything’s going to be ok.
It’s true!
If your kid sucks at something AND doesn’t t like doing it, then your choice is easy: move on.
If they suck at something AND love doing it, then don’t take it away but continue to provide other options. It’s fun to be good at stuff so, in time, they’ll either improve or gravitate toward something they pick up more naturally.
What if they are great at something but don’t like doing it? Maybe chill out. Or maybe take a break and circle back when there’s more motivation.
And if they’re great at something AND love doing it, that’s maybe the hardest thing of all. That’s because you may have to restrain yourself from taking things too seriously or otherwise sucking the fun out of the experience for them. Let them cook!
For more on this, check out this week’s book.
What I’m reading/watching:
Peak: Secrets from the New Science of Expertise by Anders Ericsson
Ericsson looks at music students who go on to one of three levels of professional achievement as a musician: performing at the highest level; performing at a lower level—but still getting paid to play; and teaching. What was the single biggest predictor: time spent practicing. The book doesn’t explicitly say that early practice will ideally be enjoyable in order to help build momentum but that’s definitely the camp I’m in
I’m also looking for the edition of the movie Spartan with commentary by star Val Kilmer. I remember him being hilarious—mostly by making fun of writer/director, David Mamet.
Let a fella know if you find a copy.
A quote
“We're all put to the test... but it never comes in the form or at the point we would prefer, does it?”
— David Mamet
A dad joke
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Take care of yourself, man!
Geoff Girvitz
Father, founder, physical culturist
dadstrength.com