Good fights: disagreeing with grace

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Today on Dad Strength

• Good fights: disagreeing with grace

• A better way to row

• What if this is already everything?

• An article, a quote, a dad joke

Disagreeing with grace

I found myself in the middle of a political discussion this past Tuesday. Two friends—who were meeting for the first time—along with myself—were sharing ideas about the state of the country. The energy was positive and the focus was on problem-solving. But then came the words... "I disagree with you." The other person's face fell.

This disagreement was offered with gentleness and good faith. However, you could also see how it it landed. Her face fell. Perhaps she felt judged—or was worried that she had caused offence. Regardless, it changed things—and it got me thinking about how arguing well is a rare and important skill. I sometimes call this having “good fights.”

So, this past Tuesday, on our weekly call, I asked our the Dad Strength community to share skills and insights on how to disagree—and argue—with grace. As ever, the answers did not disappoint.

Here are a few quick insights that I'd like to share with you:

Stay curious
It helps to frame the discussion with a question. "What are we trying to accomplish here?" Or, "What part of this person's identity is wrapped up in their argument?"

Look for your own resistance
What is an issue that gets you to stop evaluating and dig in? What's that about? And what would happen if you relaxed and opened up here?

Who’s moving away, who’s moving toward?
Two people pulling away doesn't work—that's a tug-of-war. At least one person has to embrace the other's viewpoint. That doesn't mean agreeing; it means seeking to understand. Rephrasing. Asking clarifying questions. Putting yourself in their shoes and looking for challenges in good faith... these are all options.

Are you making it emotionally safe to be wrong?
If you are arguing toward a "gotcha!" moment then you may win in court but lose in private. Instead, if you see that someone has painted themselves into a rhetorical corner, you can be generous here. Kind.

Let's not confuse shutting someone down with changing their mind. That only happens when they feel emotionally safe.

This might be just one in a series
This isn't a formal debate. This isn't a court proceeding. Resolution doesn't have to come today. Instead, recognize that this may be one discussion in a series of 10. Or 100. Even coming to agreement on one important term might be enough for today. Play the long-game.

A better way to row

It’s always been interesting to me how someone might know five squat variations and 10 biceps curl variations but only one way to row a dumbbell.

I love rows. Pulling strength is not only incredibly functional, it’s also orthopedically-friendly and hard to mess up. That doesn’t mean that there isn’t room for better technique, though.

I was digging through the crates and found a video I did for T-Nation several years ago. It may seem very basic or it may seem weird. I’m good with either.

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What if this is already everything?

We so often feel like we’re waiting for some key piece to fall into place. Once that happens… Well, it’s a miracle, right? We’re finally complete. At peace. Without further worries or fears.

What if you are exactly as close to—and far away from—that state of mind as you’ll ever be… As you are and in this moment? What would that allow you to let go of?

Support Dad Strength for only $5/month

What I’m reading/listening to:

A marathoner accidentally sets a record on crutches

Why is everyone talking about getting ‘one-shotted’?

A Quote

A dad joke

I invented a new word ‘today: “Plagiarism!”

Take care of yourself, man!

Geoff Girvitz
Father, founder, physical culturist
dadstrength.com

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